


Is it ok? (I’m not ok)

by kyo1



Series: I’m trying to fill up all the silence (with all these vices) [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Eating Disorders, Morgan Stark is cute but its not mentioned, Other, Peter Parker Is Sad, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker has a drug addiction, Self Harm, and other issues lol, peter parker is depressed, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:00:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25834639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyo1/pseuds/kyo1
Summary: Hope you guys like this chapter ! <3Make sure to leave kudos and comments <33
Relationships: Peter Parker & Morgan Stark (Marvel Cinematic Universe), Peter Parker & Pepper Potts, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker/Tony Stark
Series: I’m trying to fill up all the silence (with all these vices) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1871641
Comments: 6
Kudos: 85





	Is it ok? (I’m not ok)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys like this chapter ! <3  
> Make sure to leave kudos and comments <33

Peter used to be the perfect student. Straight A’s and perfect attendance- well , because of spider-man is attendance was a little off right now, but he made it better by overcompensating on his school work and grades. 

But that was before Thanos

That was before Mister Stark snapped

And that was before Mister Stark started to  
talk to him less due to being with Morgan and Pepper 

May had died. She survived the snap  
but got sick and died. 

Alone 

Peter will never forgive himself for that. 

Now he lives alone in an apartment. Going to  
school and back. Mister Stark promised him a room in the lake house but that promise soon became empty . 

Ned and MJ didn’t get dusted so they moved on without him. They had tried to hang out again but the 5 year age gap now  
really left a mark . And the fact that they grieved Peter didn’t make it easier for them to see him again. They both got closer due to all the loss, and Peter felt like an outsider . So soon the communication with them died down , same as their friendship. 

It started with smoking.

Before they made a count of who got dusted , Peter got an ID . Showing he was 22, while actually being 16 now . 

Smoking helped a little. He got to blame the burn in his lungs for the smoke and not the emptiness he felt. 

He started binging and purging. 

Because what better way than to fill the void he felt than with food. 

But the guilt he felt made him stick his fingers down his throat , tears pouring as he’s hunched over the porcelain bowl. In fear of getting fat.

The drugs came in par with drinking. 

The alcohol would make the world feel a little more fuzzy , less important , and the drugs made him feel alive. 

And ok , maybe he did pair the both together despite the fact he could die. But he doesn’t care. 

The cutting came last. 

For most people , self harm comes first , and when those droplets of blood aren’t enough , they do other stuff to replace the craving for the sweet metal on breakable skin. 

For Peter , it came last , he could easily hide the cigarettes, the small baggies filled with powder , the bottles , the food wrappers... easy for him . But his cuts were so severe, he wouldn’t even look at them himself. 

He would think of himself as weak , but weak could not begin to describe him as he’s survived this long. 

School would pass in a blur as he would be either high or drunk each time he attended. Luckily no one has caught on.

Peter sometimes wishes they did. 

Mister Stark is Peters legal guardian right now. But it doesn’t feel like it to Peter , as the man hasn’t stopped by to visit him in 5 months , and hasn’t called in 2. A few texts here in there is the only proof Mister Stark hasn’t completely forgotten his existence. 

All his life Peter has lost and lost and lost. All he’s known is deaths and funerals held on rainy days. But how much loss can you experience before you lose yourself. How much do you have to feel , to lose who you were. 

The old Peter remains lost , memories blurred by throat burning alcohol and pills. 

He wishes May would still be here . Because unlike Stark, she’d actually want him . At least he likes to think she would. May would have held him while he cried , May would have thrown all the alcohol and drugs away. She would’ve kissed his head as she ran a comforting hand over his scars. But she’s not here. And she’ll never be here again. 

Peter thought, Mister Stark would be more present. But that hug in the last battle is the only physical contact he’s had since returning, from Mister Stark or anyone. And plus, Mister Stark has a kid now, an actual kid with his last name and blood. So it makes sense Mister Stark is distant. 

While Peter was at school he received a message from Mister Stark

“Hey kid, wanna visit for the weekend?”

Peter didn’t want to, knowing that Mister Stark maybe didn’t really care about him. But the old Peter would’ve gone.

“Idk Mister Stark, i have a lot of tests. Sorry, but thanks for the invite”  
“:)”

He sent the message and didn’t feel bad at all, he’s saving Mister Stark from taking care of him, even if it’s just for two days basically.

“Kid, i checked your schedule. And would you guess? You have no tests. So what’s up?”

Peter panicked. Why would Mister Stark check his schedule if he didn’t care about him?

“Nothing, just stressed and tired from school. I have homework and stuff. Sorry, maybe next time?”

Peter knew there wasn’t going to be a next time. Mister Stark would just say ok and then barely contact him again and they will slowly drift apart and-

“Yeah ,no kiddo, Happy will pick you up tomorrow from school, so bring clothes with you. And before you ask, if you have homework, just bring it over”

Peter sighed, knowing he would not be able to escape this one. And ‘kiddo’ ? He called him ‘kiddo’? Does he care? Maybe he actually-

—No, he doesn’t care.

“Alright ig, see you tomorrow Mister Stark!”

Although Peter sounds excited through text,...kinda, he really wasn’t. He’s been in need to get high since yesterday, and every time his sleeves graze his forearms, it hurts.

He hopes he can fool Mister Stark into thinking he’s ok.

~~~

School went by slowly, since he wasn’t high or drunk, it didn’t just pass by fast. Something he hates. His hands have been shaking slightly, in desperate need of a fix. Anything. Maybe even a drag out of a cigarette. But he doesn’t want to risk Tony finding out about his problems.

He went into Happy’s car when he left the school.

“Hey kid, where’s that other friend you had ? Fred was it?” Happy asked as he looked at Peter through the rear view mirror.

“He didn’t get dusted,he’s in college” Peter answer, sounded detached from the whole thing.

“How about that scary girl?”

“Mj- Michelle? She didn’t get dusted as well”

Happy hummed, looking at Peter sadly but saying nothing else.

Halfway through the trip Happy broke the almost tense silence.

“You ok kid?” He asked suspiciously.

Peter nodded his head but didn’t add anything else, hiding his hands inside the pockets of his hoodie to hide the fact they were shaking.

They arrived at the lake house, Mister Stark standing at the porch holding Morgan on his hip.

“Hey kid” Mister Stark said as he waved at Peter. “How have you been doing kiddo?”

“Good , I’ve been fine” Peter said with a fake smile , but Mister Stark just continued.

That made Peters heart break. Before all of this happened, Mister Stark had been able to tell when he was sad or had a fake smile. Now he doesn’t even notice.

Mister Stark led him to his room, Morgan in the living room watching a new Disney movie Peter didn’t even know the name of.

“How’s school Pete?” Mister Stark asked as he sat at the edge of Peters bed.

“Fine, the usual”

“You can tell me anything , you know that right?” Tony said with a serious tone but soft eyes.

Peter panicked , did Mister Stark know what he was doing?

“I know” Peter said as he gave a tight lipped smile.

They ate dinner and watched a movie. By they , i mean Pepper, Tony, Morgan and Peter.

When they all went to bed, Peter went to the liquor store.


End file.
